9 months and 20 minutes

(written during naps yesterday)

(Also titled “My son tried to kiss another woman”)

In this adoption journey I have been blessed to receive wisdom from so many momma’s who have walked this journey before me. Our agency has a yahoo group which has given me so much insight on so many things. One wonderful mom of many children bio and adopted explained attachment so well saying that she attached to her bio kids in the first 20 minutes they were born. In the same way, attaching to her children through adoption took about 9 months and 20 minutes. I LOVE THIS! Before M came home I didn’t totally understand it, but each day I understand it better and realize how right she is.

First of all, attachment is a TWO WAY STREET. This was honestly news to me in many ways. All the books talk about ways to get your child to attach to you. I read them. I didn’t realize that just as he is attaching to me, I would need to attach to him. Mothers who carry children in the womb grow in their attachment as their child grows. I know some women who don’t get sick while pregnant that say they have to carry a photo of the pregnancy test around just to remind themselves they are pregnant... there you have it, they are carrying a child that they are not attached to.

My heart aches to admit that my love for my son is growing. I mean, my love for him isn’t as strong as I would like it to be. Superficially, I love him. I love the idea of him, I loved staring at his photos all those months. I love the weight of him on me as he sleeps, but we are in many ways strangers to each other. Each day we get to know each other better and each day the bonds grow and the love grows. Being a nanny has actually made attaching harder from my side as I have fallen in love with children before. That has also taken time, but it is real and wonderful and very much how I feel about our son now. I know that my love for him will keep growing and pass anything I have known before, but I am on a journey to that, it doesn’t happen in an instant.

Now you have heard my side of attachment. Our son has been surrounded by a team of women who have loved on him and he has received that love with glee. He now is usually around just me. I have quickly become his go to woman for all his needs. He trusts me and knows to count on me to answer his cries. Is he attached? NO He really likes me and shows me affection. We have a good bond and enjoy being together, but he has a ways to go. Today I realized just how far we have to go. I walked to a small local re-sale shop to drop something off and M tried to leap out his Ergo to kiss the woman working at the store who was giving him smiles. He had never met her before. He hasn’t been around too many other people besides at the clinic and I assumed (bad mommy) that his kisses were for me and daddy. I was shocked by this total lack of attachment. I quickly yanked him towards my chest and told him that his kisses were for momma and daddy. I am sure he doesn’t understand this. My heart breaks. I guess that shows that I am attaching to him :) but it makes me wonder what our next step should be.

Attachment, just like adoption is a journey... so if you see us and I am not willing to let you hold my son, don't worry, no one else is either :)

As my love grows every day I am excited to imagine what my love will look like in 8 months :)