A couple of years ago I wrote
THIS POST with the same title. I wrote the post about M when he was only home for one month. As I just reread it, I am amazed at how deep my attachment now is for my M. I am so thankful that I learned of this perspective. When I wrote the first post I only knew the theory and hoped it was true. Now I have lived the theory twice and I believe it to be true. Last Sunday marked nine months and twenty minutes (or 40 weeks 20 minutes) since we received T in Ch!na. The 30th will mark 9 months home.
Because there are some people who would rather not click on the link to the other post I am going to copy and paste a tiny bit below, because it is still the same today.
"One wonderful mom of many children bio and adopted explained attachment
so well saying that she attached to her bio kids in the first 20 minutes
they were born. In the same way, attaching to her children through
adoption took about 9 months and 20 minutes... attachment is
a TWO WAY STREET. This was honestly news to me in many ways. All the
books talk about ways to get your child to attach to you. I read them.
I didn’t realize that just as he is attaching to me, I would need to
attach to him. Mothers who carry children in the womb grow in their
attachment as their child grows. I know some women who don’t get sick
while pregnant that say they have to carry a photo of the pregnancy test
around just to remind themselves they are pregnant... there you have
it, they are carrying a child that they are not attached to. "
Friends, attachment is hard in both directions. T was not too willing to connect with us emotionally in those early days. She was a happy little girl over all, but checked out on eye contact, hugs, lap time etc. In part because she was so new, in part because big brother really needed me (and I was deeply attached to him), in part because I sensed her small rejections of attachment I also pulled away. I did the same thing with M. Brandon came to the rescue in both cases. Brandon formed earlier connections and I did basic love and care every day. Caring for someone, praying for them, and being with them all the time causes warm feeling to just start happening even if you are getting some rejection. Slowly we both starting bonding and attaching.
Patty V's (the wise adoptive mom I mentioned above) wisdom is still as brilliant as ever. I am amazed to see
the ways my love has grown for T in the last 9 months. Just as my love
with M grew, our relationship was surely a Love Come Softly. Over time
we have grown to be able to read and understand each other. We are
comfortable with affection. We WANT to cuddle and not let go! We look
for each other in crowded places. We like to be together. We laugh
with each other. We can lock eyes and not look away.
I am so thankful that I had M's story to fall back on in those early days. I still feel like much more needs to be written about this topic. It is hard for new mamas to admit these sorts of things, and especially for first time adoptive moms because the build up for getting your baby home is HUGE... but then you realize they are not a doll, but a needy human stranger and the process of attachment SSSLLLLLOOOOOOWWWWLLLLLYYYY begins!
It is interesting to note that with each stage of attachment there are hurdles to jump over. Right at the 9 months mark our super sleeper T began to fight it like crazy. In full disclosure T was sleeping 14 hours at night at up to 4 at nap time. Seriously, a SUPER SLEEPER. Well friends, that stage is gone. We knew that large amount of sleep wouldn't last forever, but we were not prepared for the 180 we felt in the last week. T now needs us much more to fall asleep and has had a few horrible nights were she has been up crying most of the night, needing to be rocked or held, but unwilling to actually sleep. Sleepless nights lead to clingy and sad days. Thankfully, we know from M that phases with 1 year olds are short lived. How does this relate to attachment? In many ways actually. T is crying FOR US and not because of us! She is looking for comfort from us. She is clinging to us! Her tears are for a longing for deeper connection. She is no longer pushing us away and fighting hugs, but looking for and craving them. Oh friends, it is not easy, but I am thankful that with each tear I wipe away and each cuddle I give our bond are getting stronger and attachment is happening. So adoptive parent friends, hang in there. God is giving us daily such grace that we don't deserve. We can also extend this grace to our needy children.
Note: Neither of my children seem to display any true "RAD" behaviors
and I do not want anyone who is dealing with deep "reactive attachment
disorders" to think I am saying they will magically go away in 9 months. I pray
that you can find a great team of counselors who can help you as you
attach.
