Three years with my sweet son!

January is such a special time for our family.  January 11th 2011 (yep 1-11-11 love that) Brandon and I walked into a care center in Ethiopia empty handed and walked out with our son! When we walked out of the door of LHouse I can honestly say we had no clue what was to come.  We had read many books.  We thought we "got it" and in a few ways we did, but in so many many ways we had (and still have of course) a lot to learn.

Three years later we have an incredible almost 4.5 year old on our hands... seriously, less than one month until M is 4.5.  The "half" is so important at this age.  He has been asking if he is 4.5 since about 3 days after turning 4.

M has learned so much in the last year.  I am amazed by all that he knows, says and thinks.  Sometimes it feels like he is a little adult housed in the body of a 4 year old (almost 4.5 of course).   I want to take some time to fill you all in on my much loved little man.  This info will include a mix strengths and growth area, of dreams and reality.  As I often state in this blog, this is our families scrap book/year book so while something things are more ground breaking than others they are all a part of our story.

So much to say...

M loves sports and being "sporty."  The soon to come photo blog posts will show how obvious this love is even more.  He loves to play sports, watch sports, talk about sports, and in general just look sporty.  He ONLY wears sporty clothes. Seriously, if it doesn't have all ball on it, he won't wear it!  He has not had a leg in a pair of 3T jeans, no need I guess.  We have found every potential sporty pair of pants in his hand me downs and he wears 2T, 3T, and 4T.  Yes, the 2T's are short and the 4T's are long... but this doesn't matter to him a single bit.  There is one exception to his wardrobe uniform, church.  He loves to dress like Daddy for church so he wears dress pants and a button down shirt.  Sometimes he needs to take sport clothes for after church, but sometimes he is dressy all the way until we are in our home.  Once home he strips in lightening speed.  It should also be noted that even though we live in the frozen North, M insists on wearing shorts and T's shirts whenever we are indoors.  He is perfectly fine with changing clothes 5 plus times a day if needed so that he can wear his summer clothes indoors.  He received a "real" according to him football uniform for Christmas.  This uniform gets put on at least once most days as well.

Besides wearing the gear, this year M has learned to pedal a bike very well.  He is a great football thrower.  He can cast a fishing pole with style (maybe fishing isn't a sport).  He LOVES to slide down the "fire pole" (support pole) in our basement.  He recently learned to skip (well only on one side).  He is a fast runner.  He has great form and intense facial expressions while running. His athletic abilities amaze me.  He is such a natural.  It will be interesting to see if there is a particular sport he will excel at later in life.

M is still a singer!  He LOVES to sing.  Recently he has enjoyed singing Christmas Carols.  Of course they have his own twist on most of the lyrics.  He also loves to sing the songs from Sound of Music.  He is a junkie.  He not only sings, but does a lot of the hand motions done in the motion picture. So excited to see him on stage some day.

M is a student... he just doesn't know it.  Actually attending his one morning a week of "school" (Classical Conversations) isn't super easy for M.  He is too busy to sit and listen.  This might change in 2014... who knows.  I do know that even though he doesn't sit so well in class, the CD's (music again) have taught him SO much this year.  He knows the History Timeline from Creation to Jesus very well and far beyond that with quite a bit of accuracy.  He knows the US Presidents, many history sentences, some grammar rules, some Latin conjugation, some science facts, Continents and many countries/bodies of water on maps etc.  He has also greatly improved in his letter/sound recognition and number recognition.  He can tell time with some accuracy on a non-digital clock.  He LOVES big words and uses words like "apparently" every chance he can.   He has no idea how he has learned any of these things.  If I sit down to "do school" with him he freezes, but if I bring school to our every day life he learns so very quickly it is shocking.  He continues to love doing presentations (show and tell) during CC. 

M loves to watch.  He has an addictive personality when it comes to anything with a screen.  We went from limiting computer time (you tube time) to eliminating it.  The deep desire for "just one more" was too strong.  We try to limit videos he watches as well.  He has recently discovered Little House on the Prairie.  OK, so part of me is floored that he loves this show.  Sadly though he always wants one more episode.  Unlike "The Pond" which has convenient 15ish minute episodes on DVD, Little House is over 40 minutes long.  The show has been helpful while we have all been battling some winter bugs at our home.  Of course it is much shorter than Sound of Music.  M was on a kick where he wanted to watch all 3 hours of SoM every day.  Luckily he is now content to listen to the music from it as we drive in the van.  Whew.

M loves to be outside.  The winter feels long, but summer days will return... right?  We live outdoors as much as possible.  Before the weather turned cold we spent a lot of time outdoors this winter as well.  Maybe with warmer weather we will get the sled out once again.  M learned to sled solo this winter.  He conquered much fear in doing it.  We enjoyed many walks with our friends this summer and many many trips to area parks.  M finally feels confident on "big boy swings" which makes life easier as this frees up a small swing for little sister... although she wants to do just what big brother does.

M love books.  He is still my (pre)reader.  He will sit and listen to me read for literally hours.  He loves collection books which contain several stories in them.  I sometimes cry a little inside when he brings them to the couch because I know we will be reading all 8 Curious George stories and it will count as "one" book.  Seriously though, I love reading to M and I love the way he processes what we read and makes connections with things he hears throughout the day.

Some things were a bit harder and some things were really really hard this year.  Warning... if you like feel good stuff, stop reading now.

M became a big brother.  It is a big job to be a big brother.  It is a big change too.  Some of his buddies added kids to their families, but they added babies.  M added a little sister who is very busy.  From day one she has grabbed his toys and taken over his space.  He went from being the "only" and the subject of all my attention during the day to sharing mommy... no sharing is fun for a four year old, but for my little man, sharing mommy is about the hardest thing to share.  After a few weeks things started getting better in the sibling area, but this fall/winter thing have sort of spiraled downhill.

M deals with much trauma.  We are just beginning to learn and understand more about how early trauma affects the brain.  Wow!  I would encourage you if you are curious about this to research some of the trauma work of Heather Forbes, Bryan Post, Karyn Purvis (Empowered to Connect) and Daniel Siegel.  You can simply click on their names to check out their websites. You will be blown away as you learn about the parts of the brain and how critical the early stages of life are.  A child's life experiences in the womb and the first year so very deeply affect their ability to deal normally with life.  This short article and image of a "trauma tree" might be very beneficial for anyone who might be confused because M was so young when he came to us surely he doesn't remember, right?  Wrong.  Pre-verbal memories are powerful friends. I touched on some of this in my traumaversary post which you can read HERE.  The thing is, M's issues were so much more and deeper than "November issues."  As we read and pray and grow in our parenting we can see him responding in a very typical way based on the trauma he has experienced.

M is teaching us.  Wow have we learned a lot!  We learned so much about what doesn't work in parenting.  Consequences, Logic, Control, Rewards etc all come up short.  Seriously, the authors I mentioned above are incredible.  If you are an adoptive parent and you have not read Heather Forbes, order her Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control TODAY!

Every technique I learned in my parent/education training is pointless... oh how I hope parent educators today area learning how to deal with trauma kiddos.  The incredible things about every thing I have learned about parenting ripped out from under me is that I have been and continue to be broken and humbled in ways I never thought possible.  I have realized ways that I continually make parenting and being a good mom and idol... even if I was failing at parenting I made it an idol. I recently saw the quote below and found it so powerful in my adoption parenting journey.  Author unknown.

"Just think, without adoption we would have believed we were still good parents. We would have been able to look at ourselves and not see the really ugly mess hidden under the surface. Some people live their whole lives without discovering the beastly parts of their parenting, never knowing it's in there, deep inside under the surface. God has chosen to bless us by revealing the dark things we never thought we were capable of feeling/doing through adoption. We may be surprised by the way we feel or the way we respond, but God isn't. He knew we were capable of this the whole time."

Yes, God has shown us MUCH!

Once we adapted a new focus in our parenting we began to see the reasons behind M's actions and in many situations we were able to help him succeed.  Love replaced fear in our parenting and in our lives.  We knew we still needed a lot of help, but we were moving in the right direction.  Working with a parenting coach has been a source of great insight and encouragement for both of us.  It is such a huge blessing to partner with Brandon through the yuck.  I know many "trauma mamas" who are going it alone and I am so very blessed to be on this roller coaster with my incredible husband.  We recently decided to embark on another level of parenting trauma kids.  We hope to begin EMDR therapy with M soon.  Check out the link to learn more about this therapy.  We are praying that this therapy will be highly beneficial for M and for our family.

There is great Hope my friends!  We believe that God can renew M's mind.  I continually think of the incredible ways that God answered prayers during our time bringing T home and I would love to share some requests with you here.  I know in many ways I have been vague as I have shared.  While the requests might be somewhat general, I would be very happy to talk with you about more of these issues if you have any questions.

Prayer Requests:
1. Our whole family will choose Love and not Fear.  When we have fear our parenting voices change, our reactions are quicker and more harsh and a fear cycle unfolds.  Love is patient, kind...

2. Safety!  Pray that God would protect our Sweet T physically and emotionally from words and actions while M is dysregulated.

3. Trauma Healing!  Pray that God would bring healing to M's heart through our love, his therapy, and are fervent prayers.  Pray for more and more times of regulation each day.

4. Joy each day!  Being a trauma parent or child or sibling is HARD.  Pray that we will seek joy and choose joy.

5. Strength! Pray that Brandon and I will cling to Jesus for our strength and also to each other, that we will continue to be on the same page.

6. Sweet sleep!  Our family is always in need of prayers along these lines.

7. God would be glorified as we parent and love M and T and as we advocate for M and T within the counseling community.

Wow friends and family, for those few brave souls that read this whole post (maybe with a bathroom break or two mixed in, right?) Thank you!  Your love and support for our family is obvious in your willingness to read all of this.

We feel incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such great friends in this process. While many of our friends can't relate, they have not been scared away.  They are willing to go into the trenches with us and it ministers so deeply to us that they would do this.  Our family has also been incredible and supportive.  Who are we to be so blessed?!  Our God fills provides new mercies each day... and we need them.  His grace is sufficient!

M is an incredible boy with incredible potential.  He is deeply loved by family and friends and we are all on his team as he deals with this trauma.  We are excited to see all the ways that M learns and grows during his fourth year in our family. Jesus is victorious dear friends!

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Random things I forgot to say... 
When M is regulated he is an incredible big brother.  He makes T laugh and is a huge help and even a comfort to her.  They play and share together and my heart swells with joy and pride. 
The other thing relates to Melatonin.  M takes it every night and it has become a lifesaver for our family.  His 3 hour falling asleep routine has changed to just 20 minutes now that he takes melatonin about one hour before sleep.